A Parent

During a week off with my family out in nature, in a quiet detox from modern life, I had an Ayahuasca like experience in form of vivid dreams of past and future fears. It is a form of purging I experience occasionally when in nature, which allows me to reflect and move forward. Many of the dreams this time had to do with tremendous guilt. Guilt I have carried about what I might or might not have done for my kids, how I might have failed them, intense comparisons some well meaning and not so well meaning people make to cast favorable light on their own children. I think guilt is not an uncommon sentiment for many parents, but maybe more pronounced for parents whose children struggle with learning in expected ways.

Through the years, parents may think, is there something that they could’ve done before, during pregnancy that might have caused learning difficulties, is it lack of intense early intervention, or some program they overlooked, was it some infection from childhood? With early intervention programs like ABA, with heavy component in parent education, our parenting becomes scrutinized, we are in it 24/7 and may show our worst sides under scrutiny of well meaning experts with their clipboards. In school, countless IEPs, we have to balance what we know our children are capable of and what school system is able to provide. We question ourselves, our own responsibilities.

I’ve witnessed some parents with seemingly endlessly deep pockets and resourcefulness consult weekly with college professors or researchers or private educational experts on how to curate individualized programs for their children. I’ve heard of experimental drugs with doctors with questionable ethics or any rigorous research backing, specialized diets and professors of some specialized field visiting weekly. I’ve often thought, can we have some rigorous body of research and why can’t they be shared? This is definitely not a zero sum game and we have so much to gain from sharing information. 

There is also a thought, I can’t even manage my own life properly sometimes, who am I to say that I can even help anyone else? But I feel driven by many seemingly unrelated forces converging now, feelings of guilt, of being alone, ignorant and powerless.

I don’t want this anymore for myself or for others.